How to Write an Obituary: What to Include — and What to Leave Out

Most people have never written an obituary before. And now, in the middle of grief, with a phone full of notifications and a list of things that need doing, they're sitting down to write one.

If that's you right now, you're in the right place. This guide walks you through everything — what to gather before you start, how to structure it, how to open it, and a few things most guides don't mention that could protect your family from real harm.

Before You Write: Gather Your Information First

The blank page is the hardest part. Before you write a single word, collect the following. It will make everything easier.

• Full legal name — and any nicknames or names they were known by
• Birth year — and place of birth (see the privacy note below before including a full date)
• Date of passing and city
• Education — schools attended, degrees earned
• Career — professions, businesses, meaningful roles
• Military service — branch, years of service, rank if known
• Faith community or religious affiliation
• Hobbies, passions, and interests — what genuinely lit them up
• Surviving family members — spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings
• Predeceased family members — who passed before them
• Charitable organizations — if requesting donations in lieu of flowers

Don't worry if you're missing a few things. You can fill in gaps later or leave them out entirely. The goal is to get the essentials on paper before you start writing.

The Format: How an Obituary Flows

There's no single "correct" format, but most obituaries follow a natural arc. Here's a structure that works:

1. Opening statement — who passed, when, and something that captures who they were
2. Life story — where they were born, where they grew up, education, career, faith
3. What they loved — hobbies, passions, what made them themselves
4. Family — those who survive them, and those who preceded them in death
5. Service details — handled carefully (see the privacy section below)
6. Closing — a final thought, a quote, or a line about their legacy

For a traditional newspaper obituary, aim for 150 to 400 words. Online obituaries can be longer — there's no word limit, and the richer the better.

Opening Statements: How to Start

The first line is the hardest. Here are a few approaches depending on the tone you want:

Simple and dignified:
"[Full Name], beloved [mother/father/husband/wife] and lifelong [city] resident, passed away peacefully on [date] at the age of [age]."

Lead with who they were:
"[First Name] was the kind of [man/woman] who remembered everyone's birthday and never missed a chance to make someone feel seen. [He/She] passed away on [date], leaving behind a family that loved [him/her] deeply."

Lead with what they loved:
"For [First Name], life was about [family / the garden / early mornings / a good cup of coffee]. [He/She] passed away on [date], and the world is a little quieter for it."

Open with a memory:
"Anyone who knew [First Name] knew [his/her] laugh. It filled every room [he/she] walked into. [He/She] passed away on [date], and that laugh will be deeply missed."

You don't have to start with the date of death. You just have to start with something true.

Tone: It Doesn't Have to Sound Like an Obituary

Many families feel like an obituary has to be formal — stiff, past-tense, distant. It doesn't.

The best obituaries sound like the person. If your dad was funny, his obituary can carry a little of that. If your mom was warm and poetic, let the writing reflect it. If he was a man of few words who loved fishing, say exactly that — in plain language.

Formal: "Margaret was preceded in death by her husband of 47 years and is survived by her three children and seven grandchildren."

Warm: "Margaret outlived her beloved Harold by eight years and spent most of those years making sure his memory stayed alive in every room of the house. She leaves behind three children who inherited her stubbornness, and seven grandchildren who inherited her laugh."

Both are correct. Only one of them sounds like Margaret.

Where to Publish

Most families publish in more than one place. Here's a simple order to follow:

1. Funeral home website — usually handled by the funeral home directly; confirm with them first
2. Local newspaper — submit early; print obituaries often have deadlines and may charge per word or line
3. Legacy.com — the largest online obituary platform; many newspapers publish there automatically
4. Social media — a shorter, adapted version shared by family; personal and immediate

If you're submitting to a newspaper, ask about word limits and costs before you write. It will save you a painful edit later.

What NOT to Include — Protecting Your Family

This section doesn't appear in most obituary guides. It should.

An obituary is a public document. Once it's published, it's searchable. And unfortunately, grieving families are a known target for fraud and theft. Here's what to leave out — or handle carefully:

Exact birth date and birthplace
A full date of birth combined with a full legal name and city is enough information to enable identity theft. Consider publishing birth year only, or skipping the date entirely. "Born in [city] in [year]" is enough for most purposes.

Home address
Never include a home address. Publishing that a family will be away attending a funeral is an open invitation for burglary. It happens far more often than people realize.

Full funeral service details
Instead of listing the exact time and location of a graveside service or private reception, consider writing "funeral details available upon request" or "a private family service will be held." This limits uninvited attendance and protects the family home during a time when it may be empty.

Estranged or complicated family members
You are not obligated to name every surviving family member in a public obituary. If there is estrangement, unresolved conflict, or a relationship too complicated to navigate in print, it is completely appropriate to leave someone out. "Survived by his children" is enough — you don't owe the public a full accounting.

Financial or property details
Avoid mentioning estates, property, or valuables — even indirectly. Phrases like "she leaves behind the family farm" or "he built a successful business" are well-intentioned but publicly flag assets at a moment when the family is grieving and distracted.

Obituary vs. Eulogy: What's the Difference?

It's worth clarifying, because many families mix these up under pressure.

An obituary is a public announcement — it records the facts of a person's life for the community, published in a newspaper, on a funeral home site, or online.

A eulogy is a personal tribute — spoken aloud at the service by someone who loved them. It captures who they truly were: their humor, their contradictions, the particular way they made people feel.

You may need both. They serve very different purposes, and neither one can replace the other.

If you're facing both tasks at once, TreulogyAI was built for exactly this moment. Answer a few questions about your loved one and receive a personalized eulogy, funeral program, and social tribute — written in minutes, when you need them most.

One Last Thing

There is no perfect obituary. There is only an honest one.

You don't have to capture everything. You don't have to find the perfect words. You just have to write something true about someone you loved — and that is enough.